Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
