The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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