im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
