Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
oh god was she eating orange peels again
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
