I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
