I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
