well I can't set my house on fire every night
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
