we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
