it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
