I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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