I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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