how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
