I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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