Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
