my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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