The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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