I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
