My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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