she woke up with a sticky ear
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
