I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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