Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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