I wish life had little blips of pornography
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
