u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
