If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
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