can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
