he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
