he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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