Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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