I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
