do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
