Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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