i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize
