She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
