You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
