I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
