I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
