I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
