He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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