grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I party with great urgency now.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
