Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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