I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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