Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
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