somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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