just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
