Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
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I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
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I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Two words: nipple clamps
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