every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
