I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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