im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
