On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
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