seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
