Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I've blown a few things in my day
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Randomize
