My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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