I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
