I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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